onion

The Onion: Study: Majority Of Time Machine Owners Use Device Primarily To Get Couple More Hours Of Sleep

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EVANSTON, IL—In a study published Thursday that looked into the most prevalent uses of the groundbreaking technology, researchers from Northwestern University confirmed that the majority of time machine owners are primarily using their devices in order to get a couple more hours of sleep. “Among those individuals who have designed and assembled a fully operational machine that is capable of transporting them through the fabric of space and time, we found that most did so as a means of catching up on sleep,” lead researcher Jessica Farber told reporters, who noted that time travelers regularly forgo the exploration of historically significant or pivotal time periods in favor of conveying themselves back a few hours from the present so that they can curl up in their bed or futon and enjoy a little extra rest.

Study: Majority Of Time Machine Owners Use Device Primarily To Get Couple More Hours Of Sleep – News In Brief, The Onion (26 June 2015)

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Clickhole: How much of a grammar nerd are you?

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Fill out the Clickhole poll that includes options such as:

I disregard ransom notes if their punctuation is incorrect.
My father once split an infinitive, and I did not attend his funeral.
I know that there is only one sentence in the history of written language that requires an exclamation mark.

How much of a grammar nerd are you? – no author listed, Clickhole (15 April 2015)

Read the full piece because it is typically excellent and just cutting enough.

The Onion: Study: U.S. Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts

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BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study published Friday by researchers at Indiana University revealed that U.S. citizens waste approximately 2 million hours annually trying to figure out where a roll of tape starts. “According to our data, thousands of hours are squandered each day by Americans running their fingers along the outside of a roll of tape until they stumble upon the frayed edge where the tape begins,” said the study’s co-author Bethany Cohen, who noted that the amount of time Americans fritter away bringing the roll of tape up close to their face and slowly tracing their fingertips around its perimeter accounts for nearly $15 billion annually in lost productivity.

Study: U.S. Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts – News in Brief, The Onion (29 June 2015)

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Clickhole: 8 Ways Your Ordinary Office Job is Slowly Killing You

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Serious advice here. Including:

Sitting too long and holding your breath the entire time

According to all recent findings, sitting in one place too long can lead to hypertension, blood clots, and heart disease, while holding your breath for an extended period of time reduces the flow of oxygen to your brain and slowly shuts down your circulatory system. Avoid this by standing up every few hours at work and occasionally breathing.

8 Ways Your Ordinary Office Job Is Slowly Killing… (no author listed) ClickHole (22 June 2015)

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Man Just Needs To Power Through Another Day Of Not Being Broke And Unemployed

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From The Onion:

CHICAGO—After listing off a litany of reasons why he cannot stand his current job, local 27-year-old Don Rutland told reporters Friday that he just needs to power through another day of not being broke and unemployed. “It’s so unbearable right now, but I’m just going to buckle down and make it to the end of the day,” said the man who is not in the midst of an agonizing nine-month job search and can pay all of his bills on time with the money from the paycheck he receives every other week.

News In Brief – The Onion (25 June 2015)

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The Onion: Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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Perhaps within our lifetime we will even see to-do lists whittled down or even eradicated by Sunday nights, reversing the current trend of growth over the 48-hour weekend period. It’s truly a transformative prospect.

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’ – no author listed, The Onion (18 August 2014)

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Clickhole: “We Asked 8 Famous Authors For The Most Important Advice They’d Give To Young Writers”

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Donna Tartt: “When you first start writing, it’s tempting to make every character Tom Hanks. I know I wrote at least a hundred stories where all the characters were Tom Hanks, because I thought that was ‘real’ or ‘authentic’ or something. But it wasn’t. In real life, most people aren’t Tom Hanks. They’re other people, except for the one guy who is Tom Hanks. Be honest in your writing, and limit yourself to one Tom Hanks character.”

We Asked 8 Famous Authors For The Most Important Advice They’d Give to Young Writers – no author listed, ClickHole (3 June 2015)

If you don’t already know or can’t already guess, Clickhole is a parody of sites like Buzzfeed.Read the full piece.