Clickhole: How much of a grammar nerd are you?

Fill out the Clickhole poll that includes options such as:

I disregard ransom notes if their punctuation is incorrect.
My father once split an infinitive, and I did not attend his funeral.
I know that there is only one sentence in the history of written language that requires an exclamation mark.

How much of a grammar nerd are you? – no author listed, Clickhole (15 April 2015)

Read the full piece because it is typically excellent and just cutting enough.

Clickhole: 8 Ways Your Ordinary Office Job is Slowly Killing You

Serious advice here. Including:

Sitting too long and holding your breath the entire time

According to all recent findings, sitting in one place too long can lead to hypertension, blood clots, and heart disease, while holding your breath for an extended period of time reduces the flow of oxygen to your brain and slowly shuts down your circulatory system. Avoid this by standing up every few hours at work and occasionally breathing.

8 Ways Your Ordinary Office Job Is Slowly Killing… (no author listed) ClickHole (22 June 2015)

Read the full piece.

Clickhole: “We Asked 8 Famous Authors For The Most Important Advice They’d Give To Young Writers”

Donna Tartt: “When you first start writing, it’s tempting to make every character Tom Hanks. I know I wrote at least a hundred stories where all the characters were Tom Hanks, because I thought that was ‘real’ or ‘authentic’ or something. But it wasn’t. In real life, most people aren’t Tom Hanks. They’re other people, except for the one guy who is Tom Hanks. Be honest in your writing, and limit yourself to one Tom Hanks character.”

We Asked 8 Famous Authors For The Most Important Advice They’d Give to Young Writers – no author listed, ClickHole (3 June 2015)

If you don’t already know or can’t already guess, Clickhole is a parody of sites like Buzzfeed.Read the full piece.

ClickHole: “The Only 31 Things Standing Between You And Your Dreams”

Take them separately and each of the 31 is funny but, oh, wow are the depressing in a row. Here’s a particularly cutting favourite, number 5 on the list:

5. Your ex: When you broke up, your ex made some really fair points about how you didn’t have any balls and you would never work up the nerve to leave your hometown. But even though your ex had three years to intimately assess your capabilities and limitations, you’ve just gotta ignore the analysis and keep chugging!

The Only 31 Things Standing Between You And Your Dreams – Clickhole (19 March 2015)

Read the full feature, but carefully.

Clickhole: Benjamin Franklin’s Daily Schedule Will Make You Feel Worthless

Oh, enough already.

Think you’ve got it together? Well, you might want to take a look at this before you start congratulating yourself on being productive and having your life in order. We transcribed this page of Benjamin Franklin’s daily schedule from 1776. Just look at all the stuff the famous inventor and Founding Father managed to get done in a single day!

June 16, 1776:

2:00 AM: Wake up early, as is the Benjamin Franklin way.

2:00 AM-2:15 AM: Invent shower.

2:15 AM-2:30 AM: Shower.

Benjamin Franklin’s Daily Schedule Will Make You … | ClickHole

There is much more. Much more. Read the full piece.

Clickhole: This Incredible Sleep System has Maximised my Efficency

No comment.

The fact is, human beings just didn’t evolve to sleep eight hours at a time. They evolved to do something like this sleep block system I now swear by.

After work on Thursday, I go home right away and do 10-minute rest increments—10 minutes asleep, 10 minutes awake—on and off for 14 hours. Now, this sleep doesn’t officially “count” toward any block. In the system, it’s actually called independent sleep. But it’s crucial, because when I wake up, it’s Monday again. Not the next Monday. The previous Monday. All the work I did that week? Never happened. But do I feel rested? Very.

This Incredible Sleep System Has Maximized My Efficiency – Will Haney, ClickHole (7 November 2014)

Read the full and dizzying piece.

Kids react to old technology – the mean and nasty version

This is one of those gags that is so simple it is astonishing nobody thought of it before. If you haven’t already seen these, there is a series of videos that feature young children being shown old technology like radios and Walkmans. Invariably, they are aghast at the size of these things and you feel ancient.

Until Clickhole gets revenge for us. The video isn’t embeddable but do it, click this link and Watch How These Kids React To A Boombox Playing A Recording Of Their Parents Fighting

Your Mom’s Six Best Attempts at Describing What You Do for a Living

From Clickhole:

Whether she’s catching up with her best friend Janet or running into your old teachers at the grocery store, here’s a definitive list of your mom’s best efforts at almost explaining your job.

1. You work at an internet company.

Solid attempt. While virtually every company maintains an online presence, your mom understands that your company’s business is predominantly conducted online.

Your Mom’s 6 Best Attempts at Describing What You Do for a Living – Clickhole (18 August 2014)

Read her other five attempts rated and explained on the full article.