onion

ClickHole: “The Only 31 Things Standing Between You And Your Dreams”

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Take them separately and each of the 31 is funny but, oh, wow are the depressing in a row. Here’s a particularly cutting favourite, number 5 on the list:

5. Your ex: When you broke up, your ex made some really fair points about how you didn’t have any balls and you would never work up the nerve to leave your hometown. But even though your ex had three years to intimately assess your capabilities and limitations, you’ve just gotta ignore the analysis and keep chugging!

The Only 31 Things Standing Between You And Your Dreams – Clickhole (19 March 2015)

Read the full feature, but carefully.

The Onion: Coworker with Two Computer Screens Not Fucking Around

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For once I can’t give you a bit of this and then suggest you read the full piece on The Onion because this really is the full piece. An excerpt just doesn’t seem to work. So may I ask you a favour? Have a click on through to The Onion for more so that I am not blindly stealing their work for no benefit of theirs. Thanks.

Now, the story.

Coworker With Two Computer Screens Not Fucking Around

FORT WORTH, TX—Credible sources within your office reported Monday that the guy on the third floor with two computer screens on his desk is not fucking around. “Amazing—he comes in here, sits down next to me and my one sorry-ass screen, turns on his two screens, and starts tearing it up,” marketing assistant Todd Piotrowski said as the guy dragged a window from one screen to the other, which sources confirmed was like watching fucking Minority Report or something.

“He’s got three, maybe four programs open on each screen, plus some sort of group video chat running nonstop—he’s going balls to the wall over there. How is he doing all this with only one keyboard?” Piotrowski also speculated that if there’s a limit to how many tabs you can have open in your web browser at once, this guy’s gonna hit it.

News In Brief – The Onion (13 August 2012)

8 Simple Tricks That Will Help You Ace A Job Interview But Rob You Of Your Innocence

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Job interviews are stressful, but here are some time-tested tips to impress any potential employer and render you unable to look at the world in the same unsullied light.

1. Prepare Ahead Of Time
Rehearse answers to common questions a few days beforehand to trick the interviewer into thinking your answers are genuine reflections of your thoughts. This is a lie all job seekers participate in.

2. Give A Firm Handshake
A firm handshake is an effective way to make a good impression, but will also destroy your inner child a little each time you do it. You’re a manipulator of people now.

8 Simple Tricks That Will Help You Ace A Job Interview But Rob You Of Your Innocence – Clickhole (24 June 2014)

Read the other six on the full feature.

The Onion – Experts Recommend Breaking Down Crushing Defeats Into Smaller, More Manageable Failures

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SANTA BARBARA, CA—Offering advice to those who feel overwhelmed at the thought of becoming massive failures, a group of experts reported this week that the best way to approach a crippling defeat is to break it down into a set of smaller and more manageable setbacks. “The key to failing on a monumental scale is to take life one small misstep at a time,” life coach Jack V. Royce told reporters, emphasizing that people who hit absolute rock bottom seldom get there overnight.

Experts Recommend Breaking Down Crushing Defeats Into Smaller, More Manageable Failures – The Onion, 22 May 2014

Do read the whole thing, okay? Thanks.

The Onion: Study Finds Working at Work Improves Productivity

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WASHINGTON, DC—According to a groundbreaking new study by the Department of Labor, working—the physical act of engaging in a productive job-related activity—may greatly increase the amount of work accomplished during the workday, especially when compared with the more common practices of wasting time and not working.

Full story: Study Finds Working at Work Improves Productivity – The Onion 5 November 2007