Hello, you recently met with the West Midlands police: do you have a few moments to answer some questions for me today, please?

I see, you have a lot of time. Okay, thank you. I need to tell you – no, it’s not the same as that. No. All I need to tell you is that these customer calls are recorded and will be reviewed by senior police staff who take your concerns very seriously.

You bet they do. Yes. Well, indeed, that’s very good. Now, thinking of only your most recent meeting with the police, would you say you were happy with how you were treated, unhappy with how you were treated or not sure?

I’m afraid it has to be one of the three.

Happy, unhappy, not sure.

I’ll call that unhappy, is that okay? Thank you.

Now, thinking only of this most recent event, how happy, unhappy or not sure would you say you are about the time you had to wait for the police?

I’ll call that unhappy too, shall I?

And how long did you have to wait?

I’m afraid I can’t take comments about the, ah, ‘snitch’. I’m only asking about the police. They were waiting for you, I see. I’ll put that down as ‘under an hour ‘.

Did the officers call you by name?

Did they make you feel welcome and valued?

Thinking only of the moments before they shot you, then, did the officers seem fully engaged with your needs?

They haven’t provided a helicopter and an iPad mini, I see. But in terms of the transaction you were expecting – I’ll just put that down as no.

On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is definitely not and 10 is definitely yes, how likely are you to recommend the West Midlands police force to your hostages?