{"id":8,"date":"2013-12-13T08:14:00","date_gmt":"2013-12-13T08:14:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/theblankscreen.co.uk\/selfdistract\/2013\/12\/13\/youre-on-your-own-and-its-necessary\/"},"modified":"2013-12-13T08:14:00","modified_gmt":"2013-12-13T08:14:00","slug":"youre-on-your-own-and-its-necessary","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/williamgallagher.com\/selfdistract\/2013\/12\/13\/youre-on-your-own-and-its-necessary\/","title":{"rendered":"You\u2019re on your own and it\u2019s necessary"},"content":{"rendered":"

It just seems like, you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Angela Chase (Claire Danes) in My So-Called Life
pilot episode by Winnie Holzman<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Maybe you were the class clown in school. If you run in to someone from there today, you still are. To them. You\u2019re somewhat older and you\u2019ve been through the wars but that doesn\u2019t matter. You\u2019re the clown, they\u2019re the ones who were your best friends even though you now cannot see what you had in common with them. She\u2019s the one you fancied and, god, if you aren\u2019t still tongue-tied talking to her.<\/p>\n

We are slotted into types and categories by everyone and we do it to them too. This is true, this has always been true, and it has always been interesting when you run into more than one set of friends at the same time. And it\u2019s hugely more interesting now that we have Facebook and you can see the strata of your life reflected in those friends who knew you here, who knew you there.<\/p>\n

But there is one result of all this that actually holds you back. That stops you doing things.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s this. Call five friends and tell them you\u2019re moving to New York. You haven\u2019t got a job there, it\u2019s just something you\u2019ve got to do and you hope to find somewhere cheap to stay at first. I hope that at least one of your friends will be excited for you but you know that at least four, probably all five, will try to talk you out of it.<\/p>\n

They\u2019d be right to. No job? Nowhere to stay? They\u2019re looking out for you, they care for you. This would be why they are your five closest friends that you can call about this stuff.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a part of them, too, that reckons New York is a long away and they\u2019ll never see you again. You can\u2019t object to that, that\u2019s lovely.<\/p>\n

Only, there is also this unconscious part of them that says you\u2019re not the one who goes to New York. You\u2019re not the one who starts a new business, you\u2019re not the sort to do anything they haven\u2019t already seen you do.<\/p>\n

Consequently, unless they are very unusual people \u2013 and you hang on to them if they are \u2013 you will forever find them holding you back. Their concerns for your wellbeing coupled to this locked perception of what you are and what you do means your friends will invariably hold you back.<\/p>\n

So you can\u2019t take their advice. You just can\u2019t. If you did, you\u2019d never do anything. I sound like I\u2019m criticising your friends but really the only thing I dislike is what they do afterwards. After you\u2019ve moved to New York, after you\u2019ve started your business. Then they tell you they always knew you could do it. Sometimes they take credit. That, I criticise.<\/p>\n

But the rest of this is just practical: no advice from friends, just don\u2019t do it.<\/p>\n

If you want to do something, if you want to start something new and your friends cannot give you the advice or help that will get it going, then you\u2019d think that you would turn to strangers.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, if you find a stranger who knows all about New York and starting businesses, the odds are that they sell relocations to New York and they sell services to new businesses. They don\u2019t see you the way you were because they\u2019ve never seen you before. But they also cannot be looking out for you as well as your friends are.<\/p>\n

Which means, sorry, you\u2019re on your own. It\u2019s a horrible place to be because amongst everything else you are, you also always have a bit of a composite of your friends and these strangers in your soul: we all find reasons to stay where we are and we are all prone to falling for the perfect rosy answer.<\/p>\n

Look for people who have done or who are doing what you want to do. Work with them. I believe now that this is why writers\u2019 groups can be so useful: writing is an illness and nobody understands that more than other writers. I say I believe it now because I\u2019ve only recently found a kind of group that works for me. Proper, traditional, meet-every-Friday groups have never done it for me: I\u2019ve not fitted in or the group doesn\u2019t want the same things I do. (Example: I\u2019m a professional writer, I write to be read, but two groups I tried were more into the cathartic nature of writing for oneself, writing for pleasure. Fine, but not for me.)<\/p>\n

Earlier this year I earned a place on Room 204, a programme run by Writing West Midlands. It\u2019s a programme without an overt agenda: they even say there are no meetings and sessions, but there end up being meetings and sessions and they are terrific.<\/p>\n

I come away from those enthused, fired up, certain that I can do whatever mad idea I currently have \u2013 and then I do it.<\/p>\n

Thereafter, I\u2019m the guy who does that thing.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m being fairly specific about Room 204 here when I wanted to talk in much vaguer generalisations. I\u2019m talking about all of your friends and everything you do.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019m a kind of half cynic, half romantic fella. I think there is someone who wants what\u2019s best for you and sees that it is this new mad idea you have to pursue, sees that it isn\u2019t wrong or bad or strange but is in fact you. Once I knew that this was true and I also saw that she had brilliantly mad new ideas she had to pursue, when I saw that I might be able to help, when I saw it was her, I married Angela.<\/p>\n

And it\u2019s her birthday today so excuse me, we\u2019re off to be mad together.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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