I do have something to say in my defence. I was forced to do it by Elite Death Squirrels.<\/p>\n
You can\u2019t argue with that, can you? They come in the night, they take what they want, and nobody dares say a word. You\u2019ve never heard of the Death Squirrels. Not even adults have heard of them. That\u2019s how scary they are.<\/p>\n
They\u2019re like real squirrels, you know, but they kill. On missions from the government, usually. Their trademark is that they can get where nobody else can \u2013 and they never leave a trace. That\u2019s really why they have to kill. It\u2019s like compulsive tidying with them. No trace. No clue. Minimum residual presence.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s their term for it. MRP. Minimum Residual Presence. I tell you, these squirrels, they\u2019re trained. <\/p>\n
Seeing what I saw, I\u2019m lucky to be here at all.<\/p>\n
Look, if I were making this up, wouldn\u2019t I have stolen a proper car? I hid in the ambulance because it was the nearest and because they wouldn\u2019t think to search for me in there.<\/p>\n
Yes, of course I stole the uniform. I\u2019d be rubbish at hiding if I hadn\u2019t put this on, wouldn\u2019t I?<\/p>\n
And of course I drove it away. How else do you think you escape Elite Death Squirrels? I mean, they\u2019re fast. They really so fast. Wish I had nicked a proper car. You don\u2019t get a lot of acceleration in ambulances. Surprises me, that. Wouldn\u2019t you think that ambulances would have some welly? They should be on Top Gear.<\/p>\n
Hang on, sharp bend coming up.<\/p>\n
That should shake the last of them.<\/p>\n
There!<\/p>\n
Did you hear that squeal? Grownups say that\u2019s the brakes but really it\u2019s squirrels falling off the back. You\u2019re not afraid, are you? It\u2019s a well-known fact that you never see Elite Death Squirrels snatching anyone from a moving ambulance.<\/p>\n
You\u2019ll be okay. <\/p>\n
I\u2019ve done this before. Not with the squirrels, they\u2019re new. I only found out about them recently. But the stories I could tell you of –<\/p>\n
wait, there\u2019s something moving.<\/p>\n
Hang on, I\u2019m going to floor it. Soon get you there.<\/p>\n
What we\u2019re going to do, we\u2019re going to chase that motorbike. With the lights, right there, do you see it? Don\u2019t look! They\u2019ll see you!<\/p>\n
It\u2019s called a Rapid Response Team but it\u2019s really a moving Squirrel Control. You can tell. That one who looks like a police officer? That\u2019s really eight squirrels standing on each other\u2019s shoulders. Five more to reach the pedals. <\/p>\n
Yes, we could go the other way but they\u2019d spot that right off. They\u2019re clever. I tell you, they\u2019re trained. And they\u2019ve been in worse situations than you can imagine.<\/p>\n
No, the thing is, what we\u2019ll do, right, we\u2019ll stick close on their tail. They\u2019ll think we\u2019re part of the team. If they look, can you pretend to be a squirrel? Good girl, that\u2019s the ticket. <\/p>\n
No, no, keep that in. It\u2019s helping you. It\u2019s liquid marigolds. Squirrels hate that. <\/p>\n
No, you keep it. Thanks. I\u2019ve had, um, marigold aspirin, I\u2019m fine. Yes, when you\u2019re an adult, you take little marigold aspirin daily and it helps. You need a bit more, just because it\u2019s your first time.<\/p>\n
Yes, right, well, yes, all adults take marigold aspirin. They just don\u2019t know why. The government knows though, don\u2019t they? Bound to. They command the Elite Death Squirrels. I suspect Squirrel High Command is in Westminster. Got to be. Top secret. <\/p>\n
Well, there\u2019s fallout, isn\u2019t there? From the bears.<\/p>\n
Squirrels go around killing for the government, you\u2019ve got to have bears. Checks and balances. Squirrels and bears. It\u2019s obvious.<\/p>\n
Nearly there. <\/p>\n
Yeah, ah, the bears, they\u2019re – well, you know Goldilocks, don\u2019t you? She runs the bears. I think they have a restaurant. But it\u2019s a cover for their covert anti-squirrel operation. Clearly.<\/p>\n
Yes, Golidlocks controls the bears and the government runs squirrels. They don\u2019t do it alone. What about when there\u2019s a new government? They can\u2019t take on national debt and a vast squirrel army, not all at once. That\u2019s why they\u2019ve got One Direction. <\/p>\n
Took over from the Pied Piper, they did.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s what they say, I\u2019m just telling you. I don\u2019t make this stuff up.<\/p>\n
Oh, that\u2019s my girl. Very good. Yes, the sign said hospital. We\u2019re going to hide the ambulance there. It\u2019s perfect, isn\u2019t it? They\u2019ll never suspect. You\u2019re not afraid of hospitals, are you? They\u2019re the very safest places in the world. There has never been a squirrel attack on any hospital, ever.<\/p>\n
Fact.<\/p>\n
Now you\u2019re doubting me? You accept the Elite Death Squirrels but you doubt me about hospitals? How do you think I know all this stuff? I\u2019m a grown-up. I\u2019ve been to hospital for a lot worse than you\u2019ve got and I\u2019ve seen for myself. No squirrels.<\/p>\n
Yeah, okay, sometimes you see them outside, patrolling the gardens, looking for their way in but they never find it. Never. Not one squirrel has ever got into a paediatrics ward.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s the special name for where we\u2019re going to hide you. Keep you extra safe. <\/p>\n
I want you to be very brave now.<\/p>\n
When we get you hidden there, I bet the nurses will tuck you up in a bed. Make sure you stay there, it\u2019s very important. I need my spy on the inside. Can you do that? <\/p>\n
Well, you\u2019re safe in there, safe from the squirrels, but if you can get a window, keep watching out. Be vigilant.<\/p>\n
It means keep concentrating, don\u2019t miss anything. <\/p>\n
Very good! That\u2019s exactly right, you are clever. I\u2019m taking a little shortcut. The motorbike squirrels don\u2019t know you can get to the hospital this way. We\u2019ll scoot around them and get you there before they can say gesundheit.<\/p>\n
Squirrels say gesundheit.<\/p>\n
Everyone knows that.<\/p>\n
No, I\u2019m going to lead them away. You be safe inside, I\u2019ll take the ambulance back out to squirrel territory. I\u2019ll be okay.<\/p>\n
And look! Look at me, stay with me, stay focused, keep your eyes open, we\u2019re here, just a little longer, kidder.<\/p>\n
A little longer.<\/p>\n
Here we go. Here we are. The nurses will take you in. You tell them I said you were very brave and you deserve a lollipop.<\/p>\n
And we\u2019ll keep the Elite Death Squirrels to ourselves, okay? The doctors don\u2019t know about those. They leave no trace. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I do have something to say in my defence. I was forced to do it by Elite Death Squirrels. You … Continue reading