\u201cMy name\u2019s William Gallagher, I\u2019m a dynamic young force in writing. Don\u2019t tell me I can\u2019t write something, just tell me where the paper is and watch me fly.\u201d Gallagher flicks his hair and smiles that rogueish smile we\u2019ve come to know from the opening title sequence. \u201cDon\u2019t tell me Shakespeare\u2019s better, I don\u2019t know from any Shakespeare. I just know he didn\u2019t give writing 110 percent like I do, nor maths neither. <\/p>\n
\u201cWords are my life: I was born with a crayon that I still use for cheques. When I go to the beach I wear a diphthong, and if you can\u2019t correctly use the word myriad in my company, stand aside for a man who can – every time.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s been a tough journey for Gallagher but if he thought mastering the keyboard\u2019s shift key would be enough to see him through, now he\u2019s really got to face the challenge of his entire writing life. <\/p>\n
Our top-class judges – Jeffrey Archer, Dan Brown, the Estate of Enid Blyton and Cheryl Cole – mean business. Gallagher must complete this blog: it must reach all the way to the end. The slightest hitch and he\u2019s out of here in the car we call the dreaded write-off.<\/p>\n
Coming up: will first-day nerves destroy his chances? And there\u2019s a calamity over the cap of a biro. I\u2019m Vacuous Poorly-Paid, don\u2019t go away.<\/span><\/p>\n Welcome back. We\u2019re following William Gallagher as he attempts to beat first-day nerves and hopes against hope that he can get the cap off his biro. But what colour pen will it be? Join Claudia to find out later in Writing Blog Challenge 2011: The Extra Sentence on ITV7.<\/span><\/p>\n But here, right here, right now, our would-be writer\u2019s journey is just beginning.<\/p>\n \u201cI know I\u2019ve got it in me to reach the end of this blog,\u201d says Gallagher. \u201cI\u2019ve beaten scores of people to get even this far. Emily Dickinson, for instance, I really rated her chances, I thought she was the one to beat, but she fell at the first hurdle because she couldn\u2019t even write the correct website address of the blog. Kept saying it couldn\u2019t be three ws and nobody writes \u2018forward slash\u2019.<\/p>\n \u201cThen Carrie Fisher wrote cleverly and wittily but it turns out the one thing she just can\u2019t write is the correct account username. Aaron Sorkin, Alan Bleasdale and the men and women who wrote The Simpsons back when it was good, none of them could go that extra step and pull off entering my correct password.<\/p>\n \u201cI did have a sleepless night when I learnt Paul Auster guessed that I was one of the many who always use the password \u2018myriad\u2019. But he just threw his shot away by turning in a draft blog about a character called Paul Auster guessing a password to let him write a draft blog to turn in to a writing contest. It was embarrassing. I didn\u2019t know where to look, to be honest.<\/p>\n \u201cSo now it\u2019s down to me. The blog is mine to lose but I\u2019ve practiced, I\u2019ve worked hard, I\u2019m not ashamed to tell you that I\u2019ve prayed and now I know I can achieve this. It\u2019s inside me, it is. And I also know that the judges are 109 percent behind me.\u201d<\/p>\n Archer looked up from his Blackberry. \u201cNever heard of him,\u201d he said. \u201cAnd I\u2019m billing you for these 12 words.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m dead anyway,\u201d said the Estate of Enid Blyton. \u201cWhat I really miss is ginger beer.\u201d<\/p>\n Dan Brown said: \u201cWilliam is going to look at the blank screen and I just know he\u2019ll be reminded of the Knights Templar, The Poor Fellow-Soldiers of Christ and of the Temple of Solomon (Latin: Pauperes commilitones Christi Templique Solomonici), commonly known as the Knights Templar, the Order of the Temple (French: Ordre du Temple or Templiers) or simply as Templars, who were among the most famous of the Western Christian military orders.[3] The organization existed for approximately two centuries in the Middle Ages and what they didn\u2019t know about blogging then, nobody did.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re so right, Dan,\u201d said Cheryl Cole. \u201cThat\u2019s like exactly what I was going to say.\u201d<\/p>\n Coming up: Gallagher has to take the plunge and switch on his computer. Will the epic journey of waiting for Word to load take its toll? Will the computer even get that far without every writer\u2019s most-feared demon, the blue screen of death?<\/p>\n Welcome back. The epic Word journey has begun and – <\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m on a Mac, it started ages ago while you you were off on the commercial break,\u201d claims Gallagher. \u201cI\u2019ve written half the blog already.\u201d<\/p>\n Brave words from the man who only dates women with names like Polly Syllable or Paige Turner and who so far never date him back. He\u2019s got to be hoping being crowned Yet Another Blogger will change his fortunes.<\/p>\n But in the meantime, behind the outward signs masking the inner hidden turmoil of the apparently calm but really invisibly visibly quaking man, things have actually got off to a very bad start.<\/p>\n Gallagher, taking what was surely the deepest breath of his life and giving us the most up ever of thumbs-up signs, crosses to the writing desk – <\/p>\n – but there’s a chair already there.<\/p>\n \u201cI tell you, I wasn\u2019t expecting that, I haven’t practiced for there being a chair, it just wasn\u2019t in the plan,\u201d he says. \u201cThere\u2019s no indication I can see of how to use it or whether it\u2019s even meant to be used. I have to be think that someone could be simply storing it here and there is no way to tell. This is huge. This could wreck everything for me.\u201d<\/p>\n With time ticking away, Gallagher has to make a decision. But he knows only too well that if he gets it wrong even a little bit, he\u2019s going to have backache for the rest of the day. <\/p>\n He\u2019s taken the plunge! He\u2019s gone to sit on the chair – <\/p>\n and he\u2019s missed! <\/p>\n This is terrible!<\/p>\n \u201cA chair is a stable, raised surface used to sit on, commonly for use by one person,\u201d explained head judge Dan Brown. \u201cIn ancient Egypt chairs appear to have been of great richness and splendor [citation needed]. Fashioned of ebony and ivory, or of carved and gilded wood, they were covered with costly materials, magnificent patterns and supported upon representations of the legs of beasts or the figures of captives. During Tang dynasty (618 – 907 AD), a higher seat first started to appear amongst the Chinese elite and their usage soon spread to all levels of society. By the 12th century seating on the floor was rare in China, unlike in other Asian countries where the custom continued, and the chair, or more commonly the stool, was used in the vast majority of houses throughout the country.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGolly,\u201d said the Estate of Enid Blyton. \u201cReally, just a little ginger beer, it\u2019s not that much to ask.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNow you owe me for 21 words,\u201d said Archer. \u201cPlus VAT.\u201d<\/p>\n Coming up: can William Gallagher recover from this disaster? Will a set-back mean a set-to with the judges? Will there be a stand-off over the standfirst? <\/p>\n Then just who is going to lose their cool over a paper jam – and who will get hot under the collar about the cost of replacement ink cartridges? Don\u2019t go away now.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cMy name\u2019s William Gallagher, I\u2019m a dynamic young force in writing. Don\u2019t tell me I can\u2019t write something, just tell … Continue reading