Don’t ask me why – well, you can ask, but I haven’t a clue why I’ve done it, or at least why I’ve done it now — but I’ve this minute taken a bunch of keys off my keyring.

And it was a tiny but shocking.

Presumably I’ve always thought of my keyring as a single object instead of a collection of them. I remember adding an AirTag once. I remember very proudly adding a Ceefax keyring thing to my keyring, a little thing that was given out at a BBC reunion. And I added a rechargable Apple Watch charger, which has proved very useful. Plus I remember taking my car keys off because with that key in the ignition, this jailer-like mass of keys would keep slapping against my knee.

But otherwise, and for who knows how long, it’s been the one bunch of keys and I grab them in the morning, I put them away at night.

There were keys on here that I have not one single thin clue what they could ever have been more.

And I just said I couldn’t conceive how long I’ve had this set, but I found a very big clue.

I was actually carrying around the keys to the flat I lived in 25 years ago. I hope they haven’t been robbed in the last quarter century because if they have, I urgently need an alibi.

I wonder what the code is for the block’s outer door is…

Anyway. Those keys are now gone and put beyond use, officer.

Whereas I’ve left on a small metal sign labelled “Concord Ignition Key. If found, please return to British Airways.” I think it was funny when I bought it or was given it or possibly found it, this was an extraordinarily long time ago. I think it’s fair to say it’s no longer funny, but I keep it around because it’s familiar. 

Look, I’m talking about that part of the keyring, I’m not describing myself. Sheesh.