I’ve stopped counting something as of today, in fact as of just about when you’re reading this. Let me be clear, I count a lot of things and I’m unlikely to ever stop, except for this one.

Look, I’ve been told all this counting and measuring is quite a male thing to do, and I do definitely recognise that it’s easier to count things you’ve done than to do anything more. But usually it helps me, it helps when I don’t have any other sense of progress. I’d like a sense of improvement, but I settle for a count of progress, and usually I like it.

Even when I don’t, though, normally that’s not some great difficult problem for me. Such as this week, for instance, when I could count the number of failed holidays and it would be 1. (I’m supposed to be away this week, but between check-in and security at the airport, the flight was cancelled and consequently the ability to join a few days’ river cruise was ended.)

So that count of 1 isn’t great. But then since I’ve been supposed to be away, I’ve tried to be away and another number has actually taught me something. Since last Saturday morning, I have accrued 387 emails that I haven’t replied to. Also something like 30 that I have, just because I saw them come in and also they needed replies right away.

But even adding those in, that’s just 417 and what I’ve learned is that this is a lot fewer than I’d have expected. Which means that what I’ve really learned is that I generate a lot of emails in my regular work.

So counting is educational, sometimes, and sometimes it’s not very happy, like Failed Holiday: 1.

Normally, though, I like it a lot. I like that I can tell you I’ve read 505 scripts this year and written 7, not counting the 38 YouTube videos in my 58keys series that I’ve also scripted. I like that I can tell you I’ve read 33 books, watched 293 episodes of Doctor Who, done 1,455 jobs, sent 63 invoices, and been made 1 of the Writers’ Guild’s 2 Deputy Chairs. Plus 9 school visits, 7 BBC Radio appearances, 50 Self Distract blogs, 19 podcast or webinar guest appearances, and 25 workshops.

I like all that despite the fact that it’s meaningless. Now I’ve looked it up, I think that 1,455 jobs sounds scarily low, but otherwise there’s no target I’m aiming for with any of this and, most especially, I’m not trying to compare myself to anyone or anything.

But there is one thing I count that hurts. Today was the 1,307th day of my learning French through Duoloingo – and it is the last.

That’s no slight against Duolingo and obviously not against French. What it is, is a recognition that the number stabs me. Duolingo relentlessly tells you the number of days you’ve been using it, and it is a knife. It’s got so I either do Duolingo realy early in the morning to get it out of the way, or very, very late at night when I’ve run out of ways to postpone it.

Follow. I had what – to me – was a severe writing and career blow earlier this year. It was to do with a project that I began while in a hotel in Hull, the same night that I started Duolingo. I can still see me there in that room, downloading the app. And by chance the project was destroyed on precisely day 1,000 of my using Duolingo.

If it had been any other day, maybe I wouldn’t be quitting Duolingo now. But today that damn app was telling me that it’s been 307 days since it happened. And yesterday it told me it was 306. 305. 304. Every fucking day.

You can argue that I should get over myself and I cannot disagree. The project that died was a single 45-minute radio drama and you can argue that there are few smaller things in this world. Okay, there I might disagree a bit, I might throw in phrases like deathbed promise and lifetime writing ambition, but yes, I should long ago have forgotten it and moved on like an adult.

But I haven’t got over it and I am not an adult and if it’s no longer as paralysing as it was for the first few months, say days 1,000 to 1,175, then it is still colouring everything and I have got to shake this off.

Starting with killing this daily reminder of failure. I don’t know that it will help, but I am, naturally, counting on it.